Pippin vs Shelob
by Lady Courage
Summary: Pippin finds himself face to face with the most ruthless spider of all time, Shelob.  But things turn out rather different then he might have expected...


**A/N:**

**This is a rather stupid story that popped into my head the other day, so I jotted it down. No, this is not my usual style. Silly things like this come into my head fairly often, but I seldom write them down, because I've never thought about anyone enjoying them. Prove me wrong, however, and I may write more of them down. ;)**

Pippin was very much on the alert. His eyes strained to catch the slightest movement, but even his Hobbit-y vision could not pierce the black veil that enshrouded everything about him.

"Aaaand… What was I here for?" he muttered to himself. Suddenly he was aware of a foul odor penetrating his senses and he reeled in some amount of shock. "Oh, lordy, what is that? It's worse than Merry after three weeks of solid battle! But I still don't remember what I was supposed to be doing…"

There was a soft sound ahead of him, and without thinking he drew his sword with a swift motion. He was vaguely surprised at the presence of the weapon, thinking, _I haven't been carrying one of these for a long time now! I wonder what my kids would say if they could see their Daddy now!_ But when he examined it he was disappointed to discover it was merely a kitchen knife that glowed blue. "Darn," he muttered.

Suddenly two orbs appeared, staring at him out of the blackness. He took a step back in surprise, and the orbs faded slightly.

"What is that?" he exclaimed, under his breath.

The orbs began to move towards him, and he raised his kitchen knife/sword/flashlight higher to see a bit better. To his shock, a round head was revealed in the light, the orbs being its eyes, one of them slightly dimmer then the other he now noticed. As it moved a little closer, a rounded body began to be lighted by the flashlight. It stopped about 10 feet from him.

"Holy hornblower!" gasped Pippin, "it's a giant spider!"

The spider hissed to itself, "What isss it my precious? Iss it tasssty, isss it crunchable?"

Pippin blinked at it. "You sound like Gollum," he commented.

"Ssss? Gollum?" said the spider, in a puzzled tone of voice.

"Yes," said Pippin, "Gollum."

The spider peered at him with an expression he could not read, but took to be not a nice one, and slowly advanced towards him.

He waved his kitchen knife, "Don't come any closer!" he cried.

"Why?" asked the spider, halting and tilting its head at him in a curious manner.

"Because-" began Pippin, then paused, trying to think what he would do to it with a kitchen knife, "Because- I'll fillet you."

"What!"

"I'll fillet you! And I'll carve the fat off your trembling abdomen! I'll render it like lard and keep in my pantry! I'll slice off your buggy eyes and fry them in your own fat!"

The spider was listening with rapt attention and did not make a move.

"I'll drain your blood and make gravy out of it! Then I'll pour it over your fried eyes and I'll call it- … I'll call it-!"

"Call it _Eyessss a la Shelob_," helpfully suggested the spider.

It was Pippin's turn to stare. "Call it _what_!"

"_Eyessss a la Shelob_," repeated the spider patiently.

"Erm, of course," he stammered, "_Eyes a la Shelob_." Suddenly it dawned on him. "Holy hairy toes! You're Shelob!"

The spider blinked at him, "Of courssse!"

Pippin coughed nervously, "Eh, heh heh, well…"

"What would you do with my legsss?" asked the spider, waving a scrawny appendage.

Pippin was astonished, but his mouth kept talking even before his brain was fully engaged, as usual… "I'll make fishing poles out of them! And I'll give them to my children and one to Sam because he would like to see the proof of your death! And I'll take your sagging belly and fill it with air (hot air, mind you!) and make a floatie out of it for my kids as well!"

Shelob snickered, "Daddy," she said.

"Excuse me?"

"You keep talking about your kidsss. You're a Daddy then."

Pippin blinked, "And what of it?"

"Daddy," sniggered Shelob, "Daddy Daddy Daddy."

Pippin was annoyed, "So what?"

But the spider kept chanting, "Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy!" over and over again.

"Stop!" cried Pippin, but Shelob ignored him and continued chanting, beginning to bob up and down to the rhythm. "I've about had enough!" exclaimed Pippin and covered his ears (dropping his kitchen knife) and squeezed his eyes shut.

Shelob's voice grew louder and more high pitched until it was so shrill and close (it seemed) that his ears were ringing. He opened his eyes to glare at her and found that the horrible creature was so close to his face he had to cross his eyes to see it! With a shriek of surprise he started back and tumbled his easy chair over backwards with himself still in it. The chanting stopped, and Pippin lay frozen with his hairy toes pointed straight in the air. A small Hobbit child peered around legs of the overturned chair.

"Is something wrong Daddy?" she asked. In her chubby hands was a paper spider.

"Uh, no sweetie, nothing's wrong," said Pippin after a moment's breathless pause. "I just, uh, was- er, playing a game."

"Oh?" she said, tilting her head at him, large blue eyes curious, "Is it a fun game Daddy?"

Pippin rubbed his back, "Um, not so much sweetheart."

"I just came to show you what I made," the child continued, and held the spider up for inspection. "I tried to show you a minute ago, but you acted like it scared you!"

Pippin laughed, "Oh, no, I wasn't scared! I just wanted you to _think_ I was scared!"

The child gave him a sideways look with her little brows puckered for a moment, and then shook her curls as if to dismiss the idea. "Well, it's a good spider, isn't it?"

"Yes dear, a very good spider!"

She smiled proudly and turned and flounced away, waving the spider in the air, "Look!" she called to her siblings, "It's Shelob!"

Pippin chuckled to himself and righted his chair. Shaking his head he walked through the kitchen to the back door when something caught his eye. Was that a flash of blue? Doing a double-take he saw nothing of interest on the table except the large kitchen knife his wife used to fillet fish. For a moment he stared at it, then hastily ducked out the door and slammed it behind him.

**The End**


End file.
